Lying down on the Freudian chaisse longue of room 2 of my amazing adopted apartment, I look at the sky, some birds transiting there, milk grey clouds, the quietness of the neighbourhood matching my need of silence.
I have been having palpitations often for two days, several big kicks of my heart happening every now and then... I am not worried, or let's say I am not worried when you see the day life happening in front of you. At nighttime, everything has another quality, and fear takes a denser texture.
But by now, I am getting to know this electromagnetic system my being is: my heart kicking me out of any activity with its morse code that translates into "you are exhausted". I don't look like it, because my tiredness has the capacity for enthusiasm after all, and when that happens, it rolls its sleeves and stands up back again like an animated corpse.
And that way I have been surfing life lately: what needs to be done needs to be done and no one else is going to do it for me. Surfing through uncertainties, doubts, financial calculations, emotional turmoils, joy, meetings, appointments, opportunities that come and go, apartments, square meters, food, trees... seeing all of these things, not hiding them under the carpet (have I ever?)...These are my things, I deal with them and the world doesn't need to see my struggles.
So, here I am, feeling this weight today, headache, little energy left, looking through the window, welcoming the day and life with a smile.
The Great Pretender's smile and the unpretentious thought: "I love my life".